Fave Five Ways to Break Up with Someone


5. “Mike and Cory don’t approve of you”

4. “You deserve better than me”

3. “I don’t have time, need to concentrate on my career”

2. “I don’t want to ruin our friendship”

1. “It’s not you, it’s me”


“I think you’d be a terrible mother to my children”

“My career is more important”

“When I’m with you I fell like I have a plastic bag on my head”

“I promised myself I’d never marry my mother”

“It’s not you, it’s me”


Here goes:
“Your mouth always tastes like tapioca pudding, but not in a good way.”

“I like your roommate more.”

“My home planet needs me.”

“I’d love to keep buying you things, but I’m saving up for a Playstation.”

“It’s not you, it’s fantasy baseball season.”

-Dan in Los Angeles

When the fave 5 was announced “Fave Five Ways to Break up with someone.” I immediately thought of how to break up with someone not the words to use.

My fave five WAYS to break up with someone are:
1: Tell them to their face.
2: Get a friend to do it.
3: Don’t answer their calls.
4: Send them a text.
5: Send an email.

My fave five WORDS to use to break up with someone are:

1: “Its not you, its me”
2: “It’s over”
3: “I don’t want to ruin the friendship we have”
4: “If, I wanted to go out with a dictator, I would go out with one.”
5: ” You deserve much more than I can give you, as I don’t have the time for you.”

Jan in Glasgow.

How about Facebook status change to “no longer in a relationship”

Yeah that is a good one. Just had another thought of a way. Go out and find someone new and walk around with them in front of your soon to be ex.

Jan in Glasgow.

Some of these fav 5’s have been good, some not so good. This guys… not so good.

Ways to Break up with someone:

5) If she asks you if her jeans makes her butt look big, tell her No, but that her cankles are stretching out the new socks you bought her last Valentine’s Day.

4) Go down to your local attorney’s office and buy 3 restraining orders, one for the girl, one for her mom, and one for her scrawny chihuahua

3) When she asks her what you want for Christmas tell her to get you a bottle of Jack Daniels, some nachos from 7-11, and a 10 pack of Valtrex

2) Buy a monkey and have it watch you make love to your girl

1) “I believe the term is ‘manage et trois'”

5. Death (preferably hers)
4. “Honey, you got REAL ugly…”
3. Ask for the “menage” with her roommate (win, win for you)
2. “This planet needs me more…”
1. I’m in love with your sister

Brian in Philly

5. I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, I’m free all of next week to spend time with my girlfriend. The bad news is, you aren’t the girlfriend.
4. I get so emotional when your not around.. I think the emotion is called happiness.
3. Now that I’m finally sober, I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
2. I discovered I have a mild form of epilepsy and you bring on attacks because you make me too excited to be around you. (then break into a seizure)
1. It’s not you, it’s me. Or more specifically, the part of me that would rather jump into a swimming pool filled with double-edged razorblades than spend another second with you.
Danny in Miami

5. “I have too much baggage for someone as nice as you.”
4. “My dog is a better companion.”
3. “I don’t want to be married to my mother-in-law.”
2. “Who are you and what have you done with my girlfriend?”
1. A final sendoff to a psycho first wife who’s just told you she had been recently diagnosed as bi-polar, as if that excuses all the crap she pulled: “And here all these years, I just thought you were f#@$?* nuts!”

1-3 I’ve actually used. For real.
Allan in San Antonio

What is Cory’s answers! Can’t wait to see what is pulled on tomorrow show for next week.

Sorry I’m late with this… believe it or not, I have used each one of these when breaking up with a girl. If you are one of the Ladies of the 411, and I know you are out there, just sub “guy” or “boyfriend” everywhere on this list where you see “girl” or “girlfriend,” and they are equally effective.🙂

5. Fave snotty breakup: “Welcome to Dumpsville, population: you”
4. Fave breakfup delivery device: via text message
3. Fave in-your-face breakup: Invite your girlfriend to meet you somewhere and show up with another girl
2. Fave low-confrontation breakup: Tell her you are going out to the supermarket to get more beer. Never return.
1. All-time foolproof breakup: “It’s not you, it’s me”



Here’s one I just heard on Spongebob this evening. Squidward to Spongebob:
“There’s something I wanted to say to you since the day we met. Good-bye!”
Allan in San Antonio

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